notes from an unruly body: life in April

films, books, TV and Crip Time

Somehow we’ve reached the end of the fourth month of the year, and time has been misbehaving for me in strange and peculiar ways.

Any disabled person will tell you that time has a habit of starting and stopping when you’re frequently sick; periods in which your instinct is to race to make the most of good days, and periods in which symptoms leave you in an odd twilight state merely waiting to emerge again.

For me, April has been a month of waiting for the Episodic Ataxia to hit at its usual time, thwarted somewhat by the fact that it arrived two weeks late and so left me unable to start anything or make any real plans. It’s incredibly rude of it, really, but as I write this we’re in the midst of the milder day three, waiting for the ramp-up to severe, and then the slow tidal ebb back into a baseline which should arrive sometime at the start of May.

There’s a term for this phenomenon in Crip Theory, and it’s known as Crip Time.

Crip Time emphasises a flexible approach to time, recognising the different ways that disabled people experience and interact with time — and in particular, the concept of working time and “productivity”. In essence, Crip Time says that time can be expanded or “exploded” to better fit a person’s needs and their physical and mental capacities.

Crip Time doesn’t operate by the clock, or via outside influence. It embraces the need for plasticity, and accepts that sometimes time is to be endured rather than experienced; rested through rather than optimised. I like to think of Crip Time as a little like a transformation — there’s a time when the caterpillar eats, and a time when it dissolves into a chrysalis and waits for the next period of change.

April, then, has been a chrysalis month, and a time of noticing rather than participating.

In my garden the hellebore flowers are dying back and the green leaves are forming heavy little heads of foliage, hiding the soil from the sun. Daffodils have bloomed under the conifer trees, where a family of sparrows has moved in and started to build their nests.

The planters at the far garden wall have started to burst with primrose and tulips, the bluebells have continued their ineffable march across the flowerbeds they weren’t even planted in (clearly, they like it here), and mini little dramas play out around the bird table as pigeons, blue tits, wrens, sparrows, and soft grey collared doves jostle for the next handful of seed.

For the garden, it’s a time to bloom. For me, it’s a time to watch.

Whatever you’ve been doing in April, I hope that time is treating you well, and that you make time to notice rather than rush.

For now, let’s dive into the other things I’ve been enjoying this month, when bodytime has allowed!

Films I’ve been watching this month

· The Monkey (2025)

This is a silly horror comedy adaption of a Stephen King short story, and it’s absolutely ludicrous and very enjoyable — although if you’re squeamish some of the gore (while played for laughs) might not be to your taste.

· Smile (2022)

I picked this by randomly scrolling through Netflix and quite honestly it creeped me out. Essentially this is a horror about buried trauma and mental illness that finds its monster in a supernatural entity that creates a fake — and very disturbing — smile on the faces of its victims, tormenting them by wearing other people’s guises and grinning ghoulishly before possessing them and causing a series of brutal suicides. A touch too long for my taste, and not for the faint of heart.

· The Mist (2007)

I’d only read the novella this is based on, so the film managed to surprise me. It’s brilliantly done and gets to the heart of what Stephen King is so good at — melding the supernatural with humanity’s ability to display the very best and the very worst of ourselves during times of crisis. While the monsters are the main threat, it’s the religious cult inside the supermarket that really hits hard. And the ending (different to the book) is so bleak I actually yelled out “WHAT?” when it played out.

· Lord of the Rings (2001 – 2003)

Like I said, it’s been a waiting/sick month for me, so I revisited my old favourites. Really, there’s still nothing like these films for me. They truly have it all.

· Hunger Games (2012 - 2015)

See above for reasons why I’m revisiting my childhood! I unironically really love the Hunger Games films and I refuse to apologise for it.

Books I’ve been reading this month

· This House Isn’t Haunted But We Are – Stephen Howard

The first release from Wild Hunt Books’ Northern Weird novella project, and a beautiful little book about healing from grief and building a home. I’m a sucker for a story where the house is a sentient place, and this home’s haunting is really nicely done.

· (Don’t) Call Mum – Matt Wesolowski

The second instalment of the Northern Weird project, and I was really impressed by this one. Matt captures the sense of dislocation and isolation while travelling through little-known northern towns on the decrepit rail system, and the deep urge to get home and somewhere safe when the night closes in and all you can see from the carriage are fields. I don’t want to say too much about the plot, but I highly recommend this one to anyone who enjoys folklore and the uncanny.

· The Safekeep – Yael van der Wouden

My first read from the Women’s Prize shortlist (I’ve read a couple from the longlist but apparently not from the selection of the final six), and I was incredibly impressed by this one. I went in knowing precisely nothing about it which I think is the best way to read it, because what starts out as a fairly standard “repressed woman at the mercy of cultural forces has an unhealthy obsession with the family home” tale, blossomed very suddenly into something queer, moving, and deeply historically interesting.

· Greater Sins – Gabrielle Griffiths

I was genuinely surprised this book was a debut, given that Gabrielle has a really strong authorial voice and a beautiful way with prose. The isolated farmland of early-1900s Scotland is so well-evoked, and when superstition meets rationalism (and a more liberal mindset meets the rigid Christian standards of the day) the touch of folklore at play brings this story to life. I viscerally hated one of the characters in this book, and I don’t think it was the one I was meant to hate, but that in itself is a lot of fun — more people need to read this so they can tell me if they hated [redacted] too.

· Ramping up Rights – Rachel Charlton-Dailey

I was lucky enough to get an early proof of this one by my pal and fellow Portobello Literary stablemate, Rachel, and — whew! You aren’t going to want to miss out on this one coming in July. This is an incredibly important book, tracing the much-overlooked history of how disability rights have been fought for, won, and lost in the UK over the last century, and how the fight is continuing. In my opinion this book should be required reading in schools across the UK — and just as a treat for you all, I’ll be interviewing Rachel about this book and other things in July’s instalment of the Substack, so keep your eyes peeled!

· The Raven Scholar – Antonia Hodgson

I’d heard good things about this but was wary because I’m incredibly picky with new epic fantasy series, but Antonia Hodgson has done an excellent job here. Some genuinely great world-building pared with twisty political intrigue and a great deal of betrayal and surprising twists. I will be pre-ordering the sequel!

TV I’ve been watching this month

· Dracula (2020)

I somehow missed this remake of Dracula from Mark Gattis and Steven Moffat when it came out, which is weird because it would have been the early pandemic when I had nothing but free time, and on paper it’s very up my street. It’s a completely enjoyable three-part series, although I can understand why a lot of people didn’t vibe with the final episode, but I have to say I enjoyed it and in my opinion it would have benefited from a fourth episode so the ending didn’t feel so abrupt. I liked this iteration of the Count though, and I’m seriously considering developing a small harmless crush on actor Claes Bang as a result, so that’s always nice.

· Adolescence (2025)

Ironically, I succumbed to peer pressure and finally got round to watching this. Overall I was impressed, and particularly once I found out that each episode was filmed in a single shot (taken and retaken until they got the best version of the scene). For me, the discussion is nothing new — if you’ve been a woman on social media at any point in the last ten – fifteen years then the existence of incel culture and Andrew Tate fanboy internet indoctrination and violence is nothing new — but it was really well done.

I would have liked to have seen more of an exploration of the impact on the women in the series, although perhaps it was a stylistic choice. To focus the impact of male violence primarily on the men could speak to the dismissal of women more broadly, although (whisper it) it sort of felt like it could be replicating the same problem via the writing. I’m glad Warp Films (based in my adoptive-home of Sheffield) have had a success though. Long may they continue!

· The Midnight Club (2022)

Despite being a big fan of anything Mike Flanagan works on I’d somehow missed this one as well, and having watched it over the last week or so I’m absolutely gutted it never got renewed for a second series. Based on a YA book of the same name by Christopher Pike, this story of hauntings and stories told by a group of terminally ill teens at a hospice is by turns creepy and genuinely moving.

Games I’ve been playing this month

· South of Midnight

This is a beautiful little third-person narrative indie game that plays out at a short and sweet 10 – 20 hours depending on how well you play/how completionist you want to be. Set in the US southern bayou, the game follows Hazel, a Black teenager, who gets chosen as a magical “weaver” during a hurricane that sweeps away her trailer home with her mother still inside. It’s a tale of trauma and healing from both personal and generational trauma, and stunningly designed.

Book/Writing News

Since this is going out at the very beginning of May instead of the very end of April (curse you, calendar not lining up at the weekend!), I can now officially say: MY DEBUT NOVEL IS OUT NEXT MONTH.

How on earth did that happen?!

If you haven’t pre-ordered it yet then please do if you’re able to, since pre-orders are a great way to support debut authors, and in the meantime I will try my hardest not to completely panic. (Who knew that if you wrote a book people would read it? Nonsense!)

Absolutely bizarrely, in May you’ll be able to find me giving a (very short) interview as a new author to the incredible SFX magazine for their 21 May – 17 June issue, which feels like something to tick off the bucket list!

I also got some frankly ridiculous news I can’t announce yet (I know, I’m a tease), but suffice it to say it made me feel actually unhinged for a while and I’m excited to reveal it when I’m allowed to!

___

For now, that’s all from me. See you in a couple of weeks for more disability history, and at the end of the month where you’ll all have to talk me down from hyperventilating over the imminent publication of my book. Adieu!

Pre-order Awakened and send me a screenshot, and get a 6 month subscription to Substack for free!